What About My Friends?
“A man with many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
- Proverbs 18:24 (NIV)
Ever so often, I like to poll my audience for writing ideas/topics for me to blog about. This most recent time, I found it interesting that two of my friends suggested the topic of friendships dynamics. So let’s get into it!
Most of my closest friends are people that I have been friends with for 10+ years at this point. I feel proud when I say that, partly because it says something about who I am as a person as well, but also, my friendships are one of my biggest flexes! And not to flex too much, but in truth, I’ve only had two friendships end on bad terms in my life, and eventually both of those people came back around, apologized, and we speak often on socials. Though we haven’t become as close as we were before, I’m happy to say we’re cool today and I’m sincerely rooting for them!
The only thing that changed regarding my friendships when I got married was not seeing most of my friends much or as much due to distance (as a result of moving 7.5 hours away from many of my friends and all of my family after getting married). My husband is very supportive of me maintaining my friendships, he encourages it. And if you know him, he himself has a hundred friends! lol He brings up someone I’ve never heard of every other week. But anyway, it has become a running “joke” among some of his friends that his wife is “always gone.” When people say this, I hope they realize - 1) that’s actually not true + when I’m away, he typically takes those opportunities to hang out with other people as well; 2) I had a life before moving, so my friends & family elsewhere are STILL my friends and family who I enjoy seeing throughout the year; and 3) one weekend of my travel each month is solely for military duty (not a fun getaway), I just happen to get the added benefit of also seeing some of my people while I’m there for work.
What changed after having my baby was my perspective on friendships. When I first had my son, I felt isolated and alone for a while and to be honest, I didn’t feel very supported by my friends after he was born. To their credit, I didn’t communicate this then, so I don’t think they were even cognizant of how valuable their check-ins (at minimum) would have been. Distance, juxtaposed with a pandemic, on top of my lack of communicating my needs and possible unrealistic expectations of them, was the perfect set up for resentment. However, what I came to realize was that my closest friends didn’t have children at that time and couldn’t possibly relate to what I was experiencing. Most of them simply didn’t know what to do and for those who weren’t quite sure but did something on occasion, I appreciate you. After working through that within myself, I gave them grace and then decided that when they become mothers one day, I would be the veteran mother friend and do what I could to ensure they felt supported by me, especially after their baby arrived. My perspective evolved after that time.
My friends’ relationship status will never dictate whether we can be friends or not; our character does. I honestly despise when people get into a relationship or marriage and drop all of their single friends for no reason other than they’re single. Unless you find that certain people are negative influences or disrespectful towards your relationship, why unfriend them just because you are now in a relationship and they aren’t? My single friends have never tried to convince or influence me to do anything that would bring detriment or shame to my marriage. They were around when I was single, have been there for me through rough times in relationships, and now they genuinely root for the success of my marriage. Additionally, what they choose to do in their time of waiting for their right partner, has never made me envy their single-hood.
I have a deep appreciation for my (and our) married friends. I love when we get the opportunity to have real, deep conversations about marriage, family, parenting, and adulting together with other couples who are also living in these circumstances. The married friends who have shared their journey together with us and have come out triumphant on the other side of their struggles, challenge, inspire, and give me hope. The topics we broach are very thought-provoking and I often walk away with new, positive insights. Although I’m not the biggest fan of living in NC, one of the things I’m most appreciative of is the gatherings we have with other married friends of ours.
As much as I love time with my husband and family, I also value separate time with my friends. I will always try to prioritize that and going on a trip together is my favorite way to accomplish it. In an earlier blog, Girls Trips Are Essential, I discussed the importance of girl time. The main point I wanted to drive home in that blog was that my friends make me feel seen in a different way. We laugh hysterically together and I never feel like I have to minimize my true personality around them. Time with my girls (and any combination of them) provides a break from the monotonous routines of life. Those times are nostalgic, feeling like the good old times we had in high school and college. Check out that post at the link above.
Girl time is very important - whether it’s catching up on the phone or linking face-to-face - I truly value every moment. I have friends who I still consider some of my “best” friends, even though we don’t speak on a regular basis and we may not even see each other in person on a regular basis; but when we do speak or see each other, we are always able to pick up right where we left off.
As I’ve matured and experienced different things, I’ve learned that every friend is not a friend for every situation, and that’s okay. I have friends who I can pray with, friends I can travel with, friends I can confide in for different situations, friends I can call in the middle of night and they will be there, and the list goes on. I literally have friends who have stuck closer than my own brother, just like the Word said.
Though all friendships are not created equally, I do stand on certain principles when it comes to friends. We can’t be friends if we can’t hold each other accountable. We can’t be friends if we don’t genuinely want to see each other do well or win. We can’t be friends if we don’t challenge each other to be the best versions of ourselves. We can’t be friends if we can’t be our authentic selves in each other’s presence. And we probably won’t be friends if we don’t support each other doing positive things. Reciprocal relationships are imperative to me; those that are one-sided eventually become draining and are not sustainable. Moreover, I realize that some people are just seasonable and are not meant to be in our lives for a lifetime. However, if you’re someone who doesn’t have real friends or struggle to keep real friends, I would suggest taking a step back and doing some introspection. You may find that it’s a “it’s me, not you” kind of thing 😉
AI & KW, thanks for the topic suggestion. Thanks all for stopping by. Let’s chat in the comments! :)
What do you love most about your friends?
Has being single, married, or becoming a parent changed your friendship dynamics ? If so, how?
Theme Song: “What About Your Friends” by TLC
