Love is Conditional
WARNING: Very Unpopular Opinion …… Love is conditional. There, I said it and I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS (well actually I do, just leave it in the comments lol). With the exception of the love between a parent and a child, I repeat, love [in any other form of interpersonal relationships* (see note below)] is absolutely cOn-Di-TiOn-aL!
Now let’s start this discussion off with marriage specifically. At its most basic level, marriage is a contract wherein people go through the process to avail and commit themselves to each other in the form of a legal document. As far as I know, any contract (including that of a marriage) comes with terms and CONDITIONS. If you happen to be a believer in the Word of God, both parties at least vow to love each other for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health - are those not a list of conditions under which you both vow to uphold (and simultaneously expect)? Sounds like it to me … As for the none believers, I cannot speak to the conditions to which you typically pledge your love to your person, but I’d be hard-pressed to believe that you’re willing to go the distance with someone absent any conditions. Love alone just ain’t enough.
The concept of unconditional love implies that someone is willing to give their all to another capable and competent someone else without the expectation of ever receiving anything in return. Society has conditioned us to believe that unconditional love is desirable, admirable, or noble, but it is not. It sounds good, it sounds cute, but it is unrealistic and simply not humanly possible. It defies human nature because all of us have expectations, needs, and desires despite how dormant they seem during the blissful, honeymoon phase of a relationship. God is the only being that can truly love us absent of any conditions and that’s actually called agapē love. Agapē love is defined as the love God has for us, as well as the love we should* have for God.
If love was truly unconditional, why do we concern ourselves with what someone else is bringing to the table? Why is reciprocity so important? Why is cutoff culture a thing? Why do breakups happen (between friends and partners)? I’m thinking it’s because at the root of whatever the issue is, someone didn’t meet expectations, someone was let down, or someone didn’t live up to the conditions expected of them. Reciprocity is not a thing if there are no conditions.
In between writing this, I was listening to the Know for Sure podcast with B. Simone & Megan Ashley featuring guests Todd Galberth & Isaac Carree in the episode titled, “The Power of Encounter” and coincidentally, some amazing gems were dropped related to this topic. This quote stood out in particular - “Relationships have a very short expiration date when they’re not reciprocal.” A non-reciprocal relationship is draining. All parties involved should be building equity baby!
“Relationships have a very short expiration date when they’re not reciprocal …. when there’s no equity.”
Let’s start being honest with each other. Mature relationships should be reciprocal. We need to stop spreading this unrealistic, false narrative that love should be unconditional. We are only selling a dream when we say this, while simultaneously selling ourselves short of the mutually-giving relationships that we deserve. We need to stop saying it in vows too. I think what we usually mean is that we are going to love people through their flaws, shortcomings, and imperfections and that’s okay. However, it actually tends to give the impression instead that your love will remain no matter how someone treats you and that’s just not acceptable. Now I do believe in forgiveness and conflict resolution but I’m not willing to constantly be drained by always being the giver in all of my relationships, for the sake of keeping up this fallacy of unconditional love. I am also not suggesting that our love for someone vanishes immediately when they don’t live up to our standards. What I am suggesting though is that the vast majority of us do not stick around forever when we realize a relationship no longer serves us in some capacity. We are not built to continue pouring when we are empty and at that point you just “love” them from a distance.
How about we start entering our friendships and romantic relationships with our conditions and expectations clearly laid out. At least, with this approach all parties have an awareness of what’s expected of them and can choose to deliver or be honest about their inability or unwillingness to. This sounds more like a recipe for harmony than confusion and disappointment.
If you’re willing to be in any kind of relationship where you literally get NOTHING out of it in return, and particularly nothing of value, please raise your hand (in the comments). If you tell me you don’t expect or desire reliability, communication, honesty, etc in any of your relationships, you probably lie about a lot more than that. Whatever you expect, those are the conditions. As for me, I know my worth in the relationships I have with my people and therefore, I do not have the capacity to be in friendships/relationships that do not require anything of me and vice versa. While I do things from the heart, I also like knowing that your heart is good too. The spirit of reciprocity needs to be in your character when I pour my energy into cultivating a relationship with you.
Note: Whenever the word ‘relationship’ is mentioned, I am referring to friendships and romantic relationships.