Pregnant with an IUD
IUD
noun
Intrauterine device, also known as a form of “contraception” that essentially stopped working for me.
This was not even supposed to happen - not like this, not right now. I was looking forward to my fun season for the next year or two at least, uninterrupted. And here I was in September 2022, finding myself pregnant with an IUD and experiencing another miscarriage.
How did we get here?
Four months after I gave birth to my son (May 2020 to be exact), I decided on a method of birth control. Interestingly, at my 6-week postpartum follow-up appointment, I almost felt like they were promoting birth control like it was naturally the next step after having a baby. “So what are you doing for birth control?” asked the doctor at my appointment. *Eye rolls.* Nevertheless, I decided to get an IUD, mainly because I was breastfeeding and it was my only non-hormonal birth control option. Additionally, I recognized that I wasn’t going to be a good candidate for taking a pill everyday; I was unwilling to gamble with the possibility of weight gain on the shots; I opposed the idea of walking around with a chip in my arm like a robot; AND the rhythm method and withdrawal had already “failed” me before so to speak lol
When I got back home from a weekend in Alabama on Sunday, September 18, 2022, I finally decided to take a pregnancy test. I had been spotting for 2 weeks and this was totally abnormal for me, but I wasn’t alarmed immediately because I never even considered the possibility of being pregnant since I had a whole IUD! Either way the test went I was calling my doctor the next morning, I was sure about that. So I took the test as soon as I got home; in my mind, it was darn near impossible for me to be pregnant and when it immediately revealed that I was, I was floored!!! Stunned speechless at first. I pulled up my pants, washed my hands, and casually walked in our bedroom and tossed the test on the bed to show my husband. I didn’t even tell him I was taking it, so he was like, “what’s this?” He too was confused, but he had a slight grin on his face. He knew he had that …… .... lol I hated to shatter his happiness, but I was not happy. I cried. All I could think about was all the things I had planned in the next year - I was finally entering my “fun” season and I was looking forward to getting skinty! So no, the universe had to be pranking me, this couldn’t be real life. I felt like I was in “The Twilight Zone” - where an ordinary person (like myself) finds oneself in a world that looks like their normal world, but it is not; it’s a world full of fear and uncertainty, sort of like a living nightmare. Though I know “all pregnancies are different,” I couldn’t help but think that I didn’t even “feel” pregnant in comparison to my previous experiences.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. -Woody Allen (remix)
Like I intended, I called my doctor on Monday (9/19/22) and they got me in for a blood test to check my hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels that same day. I sat waiting for the results rather than leaving and waiting for them to call me later. The blood test eliminated any doubt; I was truly pregnant. They scheduled me for an ultrasound the following day (9/20/22); according to my last cycle date, the baby was measuring right on track - I was 6 weeks pregnant! The ultrasound tech (and the lab tech) had asked me what made me take a pregnancy test in the first place and whether I still had the IUD. I knew that this was a rare case, but I was still taken aback by their questioning. I had never physically felt the strings of the IUD, but unless it had fallen out without my knowing, as far as I knew, it was still in place. During an invasive ultrasound, I received confirmation again. As we viewed the sonogram, the IUD was still in the “correct” positioning, right in the same area as the fetus! My baby was literally hanging out with the IUD! I was floored again! I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. The image is still tattooed on my brain and I truly wish I could have snapped a picture of the sonogram screen so that I could share this with the world, but OBGYN offices do not allow this (I even asked if they would be on my patient portal and my doctor said there is no way for them to upload sonogram pictures there). When I got dressed, I sat with my doctor in her office where she informed me that the fetus had a heartbeat (which had been pointed out to me by the tech during the ultrasound), but that it was pretty low. Remaining hopeful, she informed that a low heartrate could be attributed to the fact that it was so early in the pregnancy. I cried some more. At my doctor’s recommendation though, the IUD had to be removed immediately. She informed me that there was a chance of miscarriage either way but the risks were higher if the IUD remained in my body. So I signed some paperwork and I was IUD free. I asked her if I could take a picture of it once it was removed, I HAD to send this to my husband because this was wild (see photo above)! She wanted to see me back in a week for another ultrasound. Each day in waiting felt very long. By the second ultrasound appointment (9/27/22), things were on a downward spiral and fast. The ultrasound on that day revealed that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks and 1 day (though I was 7 weeks along by this time) and the heartrate was still very low, as I was informed by my doctor. She told me that these things were indicative of an impending miscarriage. Although I wasn’t interested in having another baby right now, the conclusions my doctor was drawing about the pregnancy not appearing to be viable at that point, were difficult to digest still. I did not want to believe her and it was tough to accept that I was going to have to endure another failed pregnancy. I was sort of terrified and for sure traumatized (check out the Miscarriage blog). Things had just been normal a week prior. Due to the circumstances, my doctor wanted to see me back in 2 weeks for a follow-up ultrasound. Waiting that long was dreadful. And while all of this was going on, I had to pretend I was okay to everyone else - at work every day, at my mother-in-law’s surprise birthday celebration (9/24/22), and at the surprise birthday dinner I threw for my husband (10/1/22). I was experiencing turmoil and torment on the inside but no one knew.
People are literally battling things you have no idea about. Just be kind, always and check on your “strong” friends.
What happened next?
Though my husband and I were discussing different provisions we could make if our baby were to make it, I was still unable to even get excited or attached in the 2.5 weeks leading up to the next appointment; the viability prognosis was a huge factor. We talked about having to build a home and I considered what this would mean for both of my careers (military and civilian) in the next year. As much as I did not want to be in this predicament in this season of my life, I came to the conclusion that voluntary termination wasn’t an option for me. With the prognosis I had received, if measurements and the baby’s heartrate got back on track, it would truly be a miracle baby and I believed that the baby would have been meant to be here to fulfill a greater purpose in life so who would I be to try to impede that? I bet you’re also wondering how did my husband feel about it all. He had my back. He has expressed his desire for us to have another child, but he believes in God’s timing and he also does not want another child at the expense of my happiness. Whatever I wanted to do, he was on board and wanted to know about everything I was feeling during this time. I honestly and truly felt like I would spend this pregnancy in depression. I know that may seem like a pessimistic perspective but that is truly how I felt, yet I was not willing to get in the way of whatever God had planned. I also know that people will say children are a blessing and I don’t disagree with that, it truly would have been a miracle baby due to the circumstances. However, I want for people whatever they want for themselves, so please keep your desires for other people to yourself. I ask that you caution yourself against expressing your conception proposals and wishes for other people, when they themselves do not share those sentiments for themselves at a present time. Let’s normalize keeping our child-bearing opinions of other people to ourselves.
After what felt like the longest wait of my life, my 3rd ultrasound appointment was finally here and it wasn’t even until 4pm in the afternoon so I basically waited all day to learn about the fate of this pregnancy (10/14/22). In the meantime and in between time, I never really stopped spotting either. During the ultrasound appointment, there was no longer a visible fetal pole on the sonogram and no indication of a heartbeat anywhere in the uterus. The baby had literally disappeared and there I was again, FLOORED! The yolk sac was still in my uterus however (as indicated by the ultrasound tech on the sonogram). I was confused on how this could happen because no one had explained it to me before. So when this happens, science says there is some kind of chromosomal mishap and that the body eventually recognizes that it is not going to be a viable pregnancy, so the fetal pole is absorbed back into the body. This realization was bizarre to me, but I’d like to think that God was looking out for me and my unborn baby and he wasn’t going to allow either of us to suffer. This was a tough situation, no matter how you look at it.
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21
So what now?
Once my doctor confirmed that I was experiencing a failed pregnancy, she gave me my options, none of which were desirable to me. I could wait it out and allow my body to process the miscarriage on its own; I could be prescribed medicine to kickstart the process of expelling the remaining uterine contents; and/or my doctor could perform an Ipas MVA (do your Googles) in-office procedure. I had never heard of that procedure, but all I wanted was a D&C because I could not bear the thought of the physical pain associated with a miscarriage like I had experienced before. I just could not do that; I wanted the quickest, minimal-pain process because I am still traumatized from my first miscarriage. At her high recommendation, I went with the medicine option because I had a pre-planned trip to Miami in a week. I took it on Sunday (10/16/22); the gas pain from it was worse than cramps, which I did not even really experience. Pain-wise, this experience has been completely different from the first time and I was comforted in that.
As I write this post, I am still going through it physically and mentally. I feel so many ways but mostly, I feel extreme grief and relief both at the same time. I want people to stop thinking I got what I wanted. Though I did not see myself in a baby-carrying and having season right now, experiencing another miscarriage was also not desirable. I am mourning the loss of something that was a part of me nevertheless. I witnessed a living fetus in my body with a heartbeat at one point, only for it to disappear a couple of weeks later - that is mind-blowing! Plus, getting to not have another child right now does not sound as pleasant when you realize it’s because of another failed pregnancy. And yes, I had a device that could have contributed to this outcome, but that does not stop the questions from swarming in my head; that does not make it easy to just blame a foreign object as the cause. Because what about the other time I had a failed pregnancy with no IUD? What must be wrong with my body where it is seemingly easy to conceive a child but the likelihood of viability is always questionable? And what about the other 1 percent of women who find themselves in a similar situation and go on to have a healthy baby? I have been in a constant mental struggle trying to find the “lesser of the two evils” in this situation - enduring an unwanted pregnancy versus mentally coping with a failed pregnancy. I never would have chosen any of this. However, I am able to carryon because I do possess the mental fortitude and wherewithal to know that life does not end just because circumstances become difficult and unimaginable.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18
I do not know what God has in store for me next but in a strange kind of way, from this experience, I have gained more of a desire to intentionally “try again” in the future to prove to myself that I can sustain another healthy pregnancy and go on to have another healthy, rainbow baby. I do believe that when I am in a different mental space and time, if God sees fit to bless us with another child, I will be ready to receive.
If you are a spiritual person, we appreciate you in keeping us lifted. And ladies, if you are considering an IUD, just know, there are always risks and pregnancy is still one of them, I’m clearly a living testimony.
