It Got Physical
Every 9 seconds, a woman in the U.S. is beaten or assaulted by a current or ex-significant other.
1 in 4 men are victims of some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. In bringing awareness to the prevalence of this issue, I am going to share my personal story and hope that it can help someone else. You are brave. You are strong. You are important.
* Deep Breath * Here it goes.
During my junior year of high school, I started dating a guy. He was handsome, dark skinned, an athlete, and tall(ER than me, caus that mattered to me although it’s not hard to do). He was well-known (but that wasn’t difficult to be either in a small school like ours). He was fun and funny, loving and lovable, and he seemed to have a lot going for himself back then. We didn’t have many or maybe like only one class together, but we often met up in the hallway between classes to speak and exchange a hug or something. We went on dates, celebrated birthdays together, went to prom together junior and senior year, and met and spent time around each other’s families. It didn’t take long for us to become really close. It all sounds cute, innocent, sweet, and puppy-loveish right? Well, what many didn’t know is that he had a dark side; he had a temper and eventually that temper with me, turned him into a different person.
I honestly don’t remember when the first incident occurred, but there were at least 3 violent incidents during our 2-year long relationship. Nevertheless, fast forward to our senior year of high school. During my senior year I got involved in other extracurricular activities since I decided not to play on the girls’ basketball team that year, I had time. One of the activities I got involved in was pageants and scholarship programs in the community in which I was a contestant. For one of the particular pageants I was in, we put on a performance as a group, which included like a short play, and a choreographed formal dance for which we were each partnered with a guy. My boyfriend at the time was supportive of my involvement and told me that he was even cool with the guy I was partnered with once I shared with him who it was. Each week we learned new parts of the production as well as practiced what we had already learned. Outside of the performance piece, as contestants we were finding creative ways to fundraise, because essentially, the girl who raised the most money would win the scholarship. I honestly never thought I would raise enough money to win (and I honestly don’t remember putting forth much effort to), I was just excited to be doing something different and with an organization I hoped to become a part of one day. Many of the girls got very close with their male partner, hung out outside of practice, and some even started dating. My partner and I also became close, but just friends. He was aware that I was dating someone else (who he knew) and he was also dating someone (who I knew). This did not stop us from becoming very close friends though. At a certain point coincidentally, my boyfriend and I had started getting rocky. Things started changing in our relationship and we decided to take a “break,” which was a mistake. Side-note: I don’t believe in breaks anymore because it creates confusion, lines get blurred and often crossed, and it’s risky. While on this break, pageant partner and I never stopped communicating and even started hanging out sometimes after the pageant stuff was over. So one night we were talking on the phone and my boyfriend (technically my ex at this point) beeped in so I clicked over and answered. I either told him I was on the phone or that I would call him back and he immediately got aggressive and curious about what I was doing or who I was talking to and why I couldn’t just stay on the phone with him. I'm not sure what I told him in response to his inquiries but either way, I hung up and resumed conversation with my friend who was more interesting and less draining at the time. Needless to say, minutes later my ex decided to show up at my house when he didn’t get the response he wanted from me. When he showed up, I went outside and we started talking. Talking led to an argument and before I knew it, he had me pinned to the ground. I still remember the exact area where I ended up on my back on the ground in my neighbor's driveway, my head hitting the concrete, as he dug his nails in my neck and choked me, which later left a scar. I actually feared for my life. Eventually, he let up; it’s like he snapped out of it and the demonic spirit left. In my mind at that moment I was DONE. But there we were standing outside of my parents’ house with him pleading and offering multiple apologies. It was late and I believe we had school the next day. My dad had been asleep the whole time but at some point he woke up and found us standing outside. He told the boy he needed to leave and told me to come back inside. My dad had no idea what all had happened but I was happy to have a way to safely escape. I kept this occurence to myself for a long time.
I would like to say that we never spoke again after that incident but that is not reality. There were a couple of occasions where I rationalized that his behavior was warranted because of something I did, but let me tell you, there is NEVER an excuse. Needless to say, I forgave him, we got back together and went to separate colleges while still in a relationship with each other. The physical separation was actually nice, but during our first semester of college, the emotional connection dwindled. By the start of our second semester of college freshman year, we broke it off and didn’t look back as far as dating goes. We remained friends for a while until even that turned toxic and eventually we just stopped fooling with each other altogether, to the point of not even speaking if our paths crossed in person. There were phases of negative subtweets galore, and he was even still bothered that I was still friends with my pageant partner. Oh well, my pageant partner was a friend worth keeping around. I miss him to this day.
Reflecting on my own childhood, I never witnessed my dad harming my mother in any way (or vice versa). Matter of fact, my dad is the most loving, caring, gentle, polite, and respectful man I know. That said, I don’t know why I came to accept harmful behavior from someone I was just dating. It’s amazing what we are willing to accept when we think we are in love with someone, though I knew his actions weren’t a result of love. To this day, I am unable to pinpoint where his anger stemmed from, if he had witnessed domestic violence as a child, etc. It’s easy to pass people off as just “being crazy,” and while that may be valid as well, people really need help out here. Nevertheless, in case no one has ever told you this, it is never okay to put your hands on someone or for someone to put their hands on you in an abusive manner. There is no excuse. I hope that this person has since left these behaviors behind and sought help to deal with his own personal trauma.
For the women and men who have experienced or are experiencing domestic violence and abuse, I see you. I am cognizant of the fact that many are unable to make a safe, clean break like I was. But you are strong and brave enough to seek help, though it is not always easy to leave. If you are the antagonistic abuser, please take a look at yourself and the people around you to whom you are causing pain. There is hope for you too if you seek help.
Please visit the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline if you are in need of help and for ways to provide support to others.
Rest in Heaven my pageant partner, my dear friend - JGM 👼🏾
Source: https://nationaldaycalendar.com/national-domestic-violence-awareness-month-october/
