The Truth About Being a Bonus* Mom
I hope I don’t make this bonus mom thing look easy … caus it ain’t … Shoot, being a parent at all is not easy. Nevertheless, I see people all the time making it look that way, but there are lots of growing pains involved.
Let’s take it back to the beginning … whenever the time came that God sent me my husband one day, I had always imagined that I would be my husband’s first for a lot of things, including the first to have a child by him. This was before meeting the actual man who became my husband. When my husband and I met in 2015, I had a boyfriend and he had a child on the way ….. yep. My truth was shared from day one; by the time his truth was shared with me, we had been talking for about 2 months heavy, the child was due within the next month, and I had dumped my boyfriend. To be clear, I did not dump my then boyfriend for this new guy; I dumped my boyfriend because we already had issues that were exacerbated after a particular incident, so dumping him was long overdue. So, although we were only a couple of months in, I became head over heels for this new guy! He was different, he was adventurous, he was fun, he was spontaneous, and he was a breath of fresh air! Therefore, learning about him having a baby on the way, completely DEVASTATED me at first. He and his child’s mother were no longer together (and had broken up when she found out weeks later that she was pregnant, she even attested to this fact). I felt slightly betrayed but I stayed. In all honesty, I came to realize that I would have potentially missed out on my blessing of a husband who truly loves me if I had known about his truth from day one because I would have dipped before any of my feelings got involved. If he had walked up to me like he did on that cruise, introduced himself and told me he had a baby on the way but that he was interested in me, like I told him I had a boyfriend when we met, I would never have given him the time of day. God knew that; he’s so clever!
It was not until after we married and then got a house together in 2019 that I was truly around my husband’s daughter. Looking back, I honestly wish that my husband and I had spent more time with each other’s family and his daughter, rather than spending 99% of our time together just the two of us. Unfortunately though, I only saw and spent a very limited amount of time with his daughter while we were dating. I believe that the three of us doing things together during our dating phase would have fostered a better, more natural transition for all of us by the time we started living together. Outside of a few FaceTime chats while I was deployed, she and I were practically strangers. However, I cannot neglect the fact that there was a lot of tumultuous and negative activity going on between the adults involved that made getting to know each other difficult. I can also not forsake the fact that at the age of 24, I was not particularly interested in playing “step mom” at that time because I didn’t know how things would end up. Hindsight is 20/20 though so if I had known what I know now, I would have suggested opportunities for the 3 of us to hang out regardless. As a result, I can only imagine how confusing it could be for a child who having primarily only spent time with her dad as opposed to her dad and his lady friend, and having mostly only interacted with this lady friend that her dad loves via FaceTime, to now having his lady friend up in here telling her what to do while her dad is away working. The struggle has been real. From the jealously, to the comparisons, to competitiveness, and questioning her daddy about who he loves more or finds more beautiful, the child is just trying to find her place. I get it, but it doesn’t make this easier. She is quick to correct anyone who assumes I am her “real” mother, but I think she has had some assistance with drawing that line in the sand, as she vocalizes often that I am her “step mama” as told to her by her biological mother. Honestly, I never intended to use the “step” term, but the distinction has been made clear to her and at this point, it is what it is. What she calls me is not that important to me.
As a wife to my husband and mother figure to her, I’m trying to find my place as well. From a parenting standpoint, my husband is more passive, and I am more stern. He believes in letting a child be a child, I believe in discipline, respect, and manners while a child is being a child. He and I were raised differently and often have opposing viewpoints on a child’s behavior. Nevertheless, on my personal journey of being a bonus mom, I hope I can be or BECOME one day, someone she can look up to and confide in, that’s what’s important. I often pray that God shapes and molds a bond between us that is organic and authentic. I look forward to finding ways we can cultivate an authentic relationship. I am striving to be more understanding of and patient with her. I need grace sometimes and to grant her that same grace. I aspire to be a positive influence, and alongside her dad, someone who teaches her to love herself completely and to be honest, respectful, and sincere.
It’s one thing to say, “children are innocent and they deserve this and that” just based on the mere fact that they are a child. People say this because people take situations that they are not in or have never been in for granted. People I know, have also shared these sentiments because they do not know all of the particulars of a situation. Children are blessings indeed, but a lot of credit should be given to people who genuinely love, accept, look out for, adopt, and take good care of children who are not biologically their own. I have mad respect for you, even if no one else does.
If you have any good tips for bonus parents, please share them in the comments!
