The Ugly Truth About Marriage
Disclaimer: Many of the points made herein are valid for various types of relationships, not only marriages. With that said, let’s jump into it.
Ugly Truth #1: Your marriage will not be successful if you cannot communicate effectively and refrain from opening up.
Reality Check #1: I really hate to sound cliché, but communication is key. I can’t stress enough how big communication is! I know, it’s hard letting your guard down and being vulnerable, but if that’s what it takes .... sometimes you gotta risk it all! Communicate as often as you can and about everything, even topics that are uncomfortable; especially about topics that are uncomfortable because those are the ones that can sometimes create feelings of resentment when left unaddressed. Furthermore, research has shown that money is one of the top reasons for divorce, but I believe it all boils down to communication, or lack thereof. How strange is it that people hide their finances from their spouses everyday? Sharing is caring ... which includes being forthcoming with information. Imagine being around your spouse’s friends and one of them blurts out some information about your spouse that you were previously unaware of, even though the information may not be bad in nature, it still stings because your spouse did not share it with you first. Anyway, I also hope that you and your partner can get to a place where communication becomes organic and it not feel forced.
Ugly Truth #2: Sometimes you have to do things you truly don’t want to do, or that you’re not at all interested in doing for the sake of appeasing your spouse, or to just keep the peace.
Reality Check #2: It’s called compromise. It’s called sacrifice. This includes going to family and friends’ functions that you might not feel like attending but your spouse does, cooking dinner every night, and even getting busy in the sack sometimes when you’re just dog tired and would rather go to sleep! Accept that adjustments are sometimes necessary. Go along to get along … which brings me to my next point.
Ugly Truth #3: Disagreements (and sometimes arguments) are inevitable.
Reality Check #3: Men and women are wired differently, and even one individual to the next is different. You won’t always share the same sentiments and opinions, it wouldn’t even be natural to. But during those times, somebody has to take the high road and respectfully bow out. Pick your battles. There is no sense in continuing to argue a point over which you and your partner will most likely never agree on. Agree to disagree.
Ugly Truth #4: Forgiveness ain’t just for you!
Reality Check #4: Contrary to popular belief, in a marriage/relationship, forgiveness is for your partner as well. It’s going to be difficult to move forward and for you to be happy if you are holding on to every mistake someone makes and are constantly reminding them about it. People just miss the mark sometimes because they are human. Free them and give them grace. You’re not perfect either.
Ugly Truth #5: You might wind up getting loved in the wrong language. If you’ve heard of The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, then you are familiar with the idea that everyone perceives and receives love differently.
Reality Check #5: As a refresher, according to Chapman, the 5 love languages are as follows:
1. Acts of Service
2. Physical touch
3. Quality time
4. Receiving gifts
5. Words of affirmation
It’s so easy to get caught up in loving someone the way you want to be loved because that comes natural to you, rather than the way they want to be loved - but more on that later. If you don’t already know, find out what your and your partner’s primary love languages are by taking the quiz. Then start focusing on loving them in that language and requesting they do the same for you.
Ugly Truth #6: If you are selfish, I can’t fathom how you even made it past dating into a marriage.
Reality Check #6: Now when it comes to food, I don’t like to share what’s on my plate lol My husband is someone who loves to try all kinds of food though, so it’s almost impossible not to have to share with him; and I have learned to deal with that. Overall, I’m not a selfish person though. In fact, I’m generous with practically everything else. On the opposite end, if you are selfish, with practically everything, you might want to reconsider being in a real relationship. You just can’t be stingy with your time, food, space, and even finances if we are talking long term commitment. Be selfless, not selfish. Speaking of finances …
Ugly Truth #7: You inherit your spouse’s debt.
Reality Check #7: I recently learned about this phenomenon. The good part is, this is not law in every state. Community property states - Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, Wisconsin, and applicable to Alaska in certain circumstances - are states where a husband and wife are responsible for the debts of the other. In those states, the income you earned, things you bought, and debt you racked up during your marriage are considered community property. Debts that remain after death fall on the surviving husband or wife who will be responsible for paying back that debt. On the other end, even if you don’t legally inherit your spouse’s debt, it can still affect you in other ways, such as buying a house, a car, applying for loans, and even on your taxes when filing jointly.
Ugly Truth #8: Home life gets monotonous, ESPECIALLY when there are kids in the mix.
Reality Check #8: People will tell you that once you have kids, it’s all about the kids and I will roll my eyes every time because I personally don’t believe in that. My children will occupy a lot of my time most likely but not all of it. I still deserve to enjoy my life outside of children and intend to do just that. And you can do that and still be an awesome parent. It’s called balance baby. Even with children though, it’s imperative that you and your spouse find ways to keep it spicy and create some quality time for just the two of you. I’m still working on this balance myself, but it takes teamwork. It’s easy to just get on autopilot, but both people have to be on the same page and be intentional about that quality time. And while we’re on the subject of children…
Ugly Truth #9: Having a baby together won’t fix your marriage.
Reality Check #9: If you and your partner have been on the rocks for a while, have a lot of unresolved issues that you don’t discuss, and just can’t seem to get it together, don’t have no baby on the strength that that will bring you closer. Your logic is jaded and it’s not your child’s responsibility to ensure the two of you “work it out.” To be completely honest, with or without preexisting issues, babies complicate life even more. Having a baby also won’t keep someone around who doesn’t want to be kept.
Ugly Truth #10: You need therapy. Separately and together as a couple would probably be very beneficial.
Reality Check #10: There is so much that we experience throughout our lives that formulate who we are, how we feel, how we perceive the world, and how we operate in relationships (especially when we’ve dealt with a few different people over time). As a result, we suppress a lot of feelings that tend to manifest in our romantic relationships, often negatively or when “triggered.” There is nothing wrong with seeking therapy or counseling, so don’t buy into the stigma that there is. Let a neutral, unbiased third party help you unpack some trauma you have been subconsciously carrying around.
Ugly Truth #11: You cannot (and should not) depend on your spouse for your overall happiness.
Reality Check #11: If asked why I married my husband, I could run down a list, but “because he makes me happy” would never be one of my answers. Happiness is an emotion and emotions change. Happiness starts with you and only you should control that. If “because he/she makes me happy” is the sole reason you are with someone, what happens when they stop? I personally don’t give people that kind of power or responsibility, but that’s just me.
Ugly Truth #12: There is no such thing as a perfect marriage/relationship.
Reality Check #12: Every relationship has its ups and downs. So stop comparing yourself and idolizing any couple as “relationship goals.” People make it look real good on social media, while you have no idea what private struggles they may be enduring. Create your own goals for your relationship.
Pray without ceasing. Trust God to be the author of your story.
If you want more on the Ugly Truth series, drop a comment or send an email with a topic!
References:
nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/do-i-pay-late-spouses-debts-i-live-community-property-state.html
https://www.creditcards.com/credit-card-news/community-property-credit-card-debt-1282/#:~:text=In%20nine%20U.S.%20states%20%E2%80%93%20Arizona,marriage%20are%20considered%20community%20property.
