The Ugly Truth About Becoming a Mommy
The Real Stuff They Omit on Social Media and TV, etc
Disclaimer: My baby is 16 weeks old, but this post is what I have learned so far that nobody warned me about lol. If you disagree with some of the statements I make, that is perfectly fine and I understand. Just remember, this is MY perspective. Be respectful.
Ugly Truth #1: You will feel like nobody can take care of your baby like you can or better than you can.
Reality Check #1: While in most cases this is true, allow others to help so you can get a break or some rest, because every mom needs that at some point.
Ugly Truth #2: You might develop a bit of anxiety, because the reality is that you just want to be perfect. In the beginning, I constantly had anxiety about doing something wrong and/or hurting my baby.
Reality Check #2: Babies are delicate, but they are also resilient. You won’t always do things perfectly, you will miss the mark sometimes, & you will make mistakes because you’re human. Like a good friend of mine told me, “give yourself grace.”
Ugly Truth #3: People might ask you the SAME question over and over; it may get annoying. “Does he sleep through the night?” If you’ve asked this, please don’t be offended.
Reality Check #3: First of all, I don’t know what era of babies y’all come from, but from my understanding, newborns aren’t expected to sleep through the night. By the way, the newborn subgroup includes infants up to 3 or 4 months old. Just so you know, babies aren’t pre-programmed to be able to distinguish day from night when they are first born. You have to train that circadian rhythm honey! Secondly, newborns eat way more often than babies that are a little bit older because they experience very rapid growth spurts, so they are at least waking up to get a little milk. This may happen every 2-3 hours, 3-4 hours, etc and in the beginning, it’s very unpredictable. After being asked this question so many times by so many people, the mouthy, sarcastic version of me eventually wanted to respond like, “What’s it to you if he sleeps through the night or not? Should I call you at 2 am to come over to help get him back to sleep when he wakes up?” lol STOP!
Ugly Truth #4: From the moment that baby enters the world, you are on his/her time.
Reality Check #4: If you’re not already, learn to be flexible and be open to adjustments. If you decide to develop a schedule from the very beginning, good luck to you, may the odds be forever in your favor, I wish you the best. I have not explored scheduling yet, but I recommended being open-minded and not as rigid about it.
Ugly Truth #5: Being on baby's time includes "losing" a lot of sleep. So if you're someone who proudly professes, "I love my sleep," you might need some mental preparation beforehand to understand you won't be getting as much sleep anymore.
Reality Check #5: Eventually baby will start sleeping longer through the night OR your body will eventually adjust to not getting as much sleep as you once did. If you're lucky, these two concepts will happen simultaneously. “Sleep when the baby sleeps” sounds good in theory until you have a thousand other things to do and the baby sleeping is the most ideal time to get things accomplished.
Ugly Truth #6: I don’t subscribe to the “cry it out” theory yet because I’m still dealing with a newborn. I hate hearing my baby cry, and I especially hate seeing him with real tears in his eyes. There will be times though, when you absolutely have to do something and cannot hold your baby while doing it (ie. showering, using the bathroom, etc) and for whatever reason, baby is being clingy and will not fall asleep or get content in that swing, bassinet, crib, boppy, or whatever and nobody else is around to assist.
Reality Check #6: During those times, you are just going to have to put that baby down sis and do what you gotta do right quick. If not, you will probably go crazy eventually because you can never get anything accomplished. Simple as that.
Ugly Truth #7: Many new mommies want and get all the latest and “greatest” gear for their babies, especially when it’s your first child. However, there is no guarantee that you will get your money's worth on all of it.
Reality Check #7: Babies pretty much determine what gets used and what doesn’t based on what they like when they get here. You can buy the top-rated crib, the best swing on the market, the fanciest bassinet, or the high-end baby carrier and stroller set, and your baby could literally not like any of it and then what? You just have a bunch of stuff essentially lol. There’s literally no way of knowing. But hey, read away on those online product reviews!
Ugly Truth #8: Let’s just be honest, breastfeeding is HARD, especially if you nurse your baby primarily. Despite the new trend in our generation of motherhood to breast-feed, let’s be clear, it’s no walk in the park. For starters, you as the mother are the sole source of milk, which means you’re on duty around the clock. Unless you pump a lot, get ready to be the ONLY person having to get up in the middle of the night to feed your baby while your spouse/significant other is sound asleep. Oh, and if you like to drink, you midas well get ready to go ahead and thug it out on a little to no alcohol hiatus for whatever x amount of months you decide to breastfeed, because trying to plan your alcohol intake around baby’s feedings takes the fun out of the idea of even partaking lol Lastly, if you discover that your baby is either lactose intolerant or allergic to certain food/food groups, breastfeeding is even more challenging if you’re not already on a restrictive diet.
Reality Check #8: Breast-feeding is beautiful, healthy, & perhaps even a noble thing, but it’s taxing on your body, your time, & sometimes your mental, especially when the supply doesn’t seem to meet the demand. In spite of, I encourage all women to do it anyway. Try it at least. Your baby will reap so many benefits from it. There’s something in it for you too, for starters, your snap byke game will be strong! lol I promise, just look up the various benefits for you and baby as a result of breastfeeding.
Ugly Truth #9: Also on the topic of breastfeeding, it’s probably going to hurt sometimes and especially in the beginning! Sometimes, breastfeeding will cause breast and nipple pain specifically. They may not have teeth, but babies’ gums are hard too!
Reality Check #9: Lack of pain & discomfort is all in a good latch, and for some babies, proper latching does not come natural, it’s a learned technique. If it wasn’t for the lactation consultant I encountered on my second night after delivery in the hospital, I probably would have been given up by the time I left. If you decide to breastfeed, give it your best shot! If you have trouble, seek help, there are so many breastfeeding resources out today - classes, lactation consultants, books, Facebook groups, etc. And even if your baby never latches, pumping/expressing that milk is a thing!
Ugly Truth #10: Your body may never be the same again; including but not limited to your hair, skin, abdomen, hips, back, AND vagina if you have a natural birth.
Reality Check #10: Depending on your perspective, that can be somewhat daunting, but you may as well embrace it. Either way, do with that what you will. Embrace your new stretch marks, baby evaded your space and your body accommodated. Embrace the lose abdomen you may have now, it protected a life for almost a whole year! Embrace the difference in how your vagina may feel now, a whole human came out of it!
Ugly Truth #11: On hair specifically, it may come out after you have your baby. Do your Googles, it’s called postpartum shedding. I am experiencing this currently; I lost quite a bit of my edges … and I haven’t found them on my baby’s head because he doesn’t have any either lol. I literally don’t know where they went but I'm waiting to get to the other side of this to see if they will return. 🥴
Reality Check #11: Every woman's experience is different. Keep taking your prenatal vitamins after you have your baby; but I am no doctor so check with yours. They even make "postnatal" vitamins now… If you believe in using oils in your hair, come up with a regimen that requires you to apply oils regularly. And what do y’all be saying, “it’s just hair, it’ll grow back!”
Ugly Truth #12: Your baby will grow so fast and it may even make you a little sad.
Reality Check #12: You should cherish every single moment you get because you'll never get it back. Take all the pictures, record all the videos, get all the kisses and snuggles, don’t let people scare you out of holding your baby often for fear of “spoiling” him/her. You don't want to one day look back and wish you had done more of anything while they were so young. I probably kiss my baby fifty times in a day and he’s probably over it, he just can’t say it yet lol But I know one day, he will be able to express it and one day I won’t have this opportunity.
Ugly Truth #13: Postpartum depression is real. You may feel extended periods of sadness and you may cry for seemingly no reason, I have. There were times I could easily pinpoint a reason though, those times where I have felt extremely lonely or overwhelmed/exhausted.
Reality Check #13: I personally believe that sometimes, because things have a name, whereas they once didn’t, we tend to easily give credit to that thing or attribute certain behaviors or feelings to it (I hope this makes sense, if not leave a comment and I’ll expound on this point). However, postpartum depression does not happen to every woman. But if it happens to you, remember that trouble doesn’t last always; eventually your days will get brighter again! Also, seeking help during those times is highly recommended and perfectly okay.
Ugly Truth #14: If you are a parent like me who is not fond of the idea of medicating your child, there are times where it may be absolutely necessary.
Reality Check #14: Sometimes, medication is in the best interest of your baby. Bottom line is, you don’t want to watch your baby suffer or endure any type of pain. And after you’ve exhausted your bank of alternative remedies, medicine may just be necessary. Always consult your pediatrician or other trusted healthcare professionals.
Ugly Truth #15: Your baby may take over your bed. It seems almost inevitable. This also means that you will have to actually put more effort into creating sexy time occasions with your partner.
Reality Check #15: Although it is not recommended by “baby experts,” sometimes it just seems easier for your baby to sleep with you because he/she finally goes to sleep that way. Honestly though, on the nights I can get my baby to sleep in his bedside co-sleeper crib, I sleep much better.
Ugly Truth #16: The less help you have with your baby, the more exhausted you will be. The more exhausted you are, the more you start to think how did I get here and if you're like me, you might consider how you can prevent being here again, in the near future at least.
Reality Check #16: Refer to Reality Check #1 AND take mental breaks as often as you can. Go to the store by yourself, go for a walk/run, go to a library or a bookstore, grab lunch/dinner or catch a movie by yourself. It may be difficult during this time but that’s what you owe to yourself!
Ugly Truth #17: You will probably receive a lot of unsolicited advice and it can become overwhelming.
Reality Check #17: Take what you need from the knowledge and experience of others and just discard the rest. Because my baby experiences what seems like excessive spitting up, various people have told me so many things to try to mitigate these bouts. I plan to breastfeed for a year, but I have even been pressured to put my baby on some kind of formula “for acid reflux” instead. I have explored many alternatives, but I currently have no plans to do that. All babies are different and what works for some, might not work for yours. At the end of the day, that baby is YOUR baby, which gives you (and the baby’s other parent) the extreme privilege of having the final say on all matters regarding that child.
This is my truth and I endeavor to always live in it, so if you haven’t learned from other posts, I’m about transparency and candidness.
Final word: Research regarding best practices for babies is often very helpful. Baby experts and pediatricians are also often right; I am neither. So, my best advice at the end of the day is - do what works BEST for YOUR baby!
If you have a child, share something you have learned that you didn’t expect or know going into it. If you don’t have a child yet and desire to one day, share something you are looking forward to.
Be blessed.
